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Special thanks to Mr.Happy for letting us reprint his very sad tale.
You can visit his HappyGasms! web page and discover some pretty funny stuff :)
Three weeks ago, my pet fish at work (Fishbert) died (tragic tank-cleaning
accident). I had a small ceremony and flushed him, but I’ve been without pets ever
since. Today, I made the decision to get some sea-monkeys. I immediately
proceeded to Toys’R’Us.
Nooooo!!!!!! Toys’R’Us is out of Sea Monkeys! I asked the lady at the customer service desk if they were expecting any more in, and she said no! She did recommend heading to the pet store to get some ‘Brine Shrimp’ (which are apparently the same thing, if I were a Sea-Monkey, I’d be quite offended to be called a ‘Brine Shrimp’!)
Arrived at nearest Pet Store (Holiday Pets). Asked for ‘Brine Shrimp’ "Oh, Sea Monkeys!" the girl at the register announced (a fellow believer!) and brought me to the fish section, where they had this funky little vial of Sea Monkey eggs. Purchased said eggs and proceeded back to work.
Arrived back at work. I immediately placed some water in Fishbert’s former
home, added some shock treatment (fishbert wouldn’t need it any more) and the eggs. The little brochure thingy said it would take a while for them to hatch. I waited for a while, I realized that I actually had to work, so I went and did some work stuff while I waited.
I’m a father! If I look REAL closely at the bottom of the tank. . I can see little. . . things. I turned the light above them on, and this little cloud drifted towards the top of the tank. I turned it off, and the cloud drifted towards the bottom. "They’re ALIVE!! Muwahahahaha!!" I cried.
Luckily, at this point, most of my co-workers had gone home. The others apparently decided that this was a good time NOT to ask me any questions...
Well, it’s time for me to go home, but I’m waiting for a call from one of my co-workers on a problem. So I start browsing the Web looking for some
information on Sea Monkeys. I find a wealth of information. Apparently I’m not the only person around who’s seriously in need of counseling. Good.
In one of the pages, I read that Sea Monkeys need bubbles (oxygen) when they are first born.
Oh No! My babies are going to suffocate! I quickly reached over and turned
on the fish-tank-bubble-thing.
It was at this point that I learned that undergravel filters are BAD for Sea Monkeys. My newborn colony of Sea Monkeys was promptly sucked into the
gravel bed. I could almost hear their screams as they died an agonizing death and became one with the sediment.
Poor souls, to leave this world so soon after they entered it. Why? Why? The horror. . . I could barely live with myself. .with what I had done. I entered a brief period of mourning.
I traveled to the next-nearest pet store to get a different tank for my second family of Sea Monkeys. There I found a teensy-little bowl tank, and some fake trees. On the way out, by the register, I saw. . . Sea Monkeys!! A little bag full of happy, full grown Sea Monkeys. Happily looking around at the pet store, discussing Sea-Monkey stuff, and thinking Sea Monkey thoughts.
I asked the lady at the counter what the little bags-of-joy were there for. She explained that they were *gasp!* live snacks for fish!
"They’re very popular", she grinned, the sadistic wench!
I bought their last bag, and saved a small colony of Sea Monkeys from a fate worse than death! Err. . actually, the fate was death. . but it was a BAD death!
By now, the building was getting quiet. I filled the little bowl with water, put in the fake plant (for shade) and some neat rocks (clear, irregular rocks about an inch around, very pretty). I waited a minute or so for the water to get ‘happy’, and carefully cut the ‘Bag ‘o’ Death’
"You’re free, little monkeys!" I cried gleefully (Luckily, nobody was within earshot). They immediately began to dance in little circles, celebrating their newfound freedom! A tear came to my eye. I left them to their celebrations. I have to go home now, and they seem happy.
NOV 1, 1996
Hmmm. . maybe those rocks weren’t such a great idea. Last night I had about
sixty or so Sea Monkeys, now there are about ten of them near the top of the tank. I spent a while looking around, and I finally found the rest!
Nooo!!! The pretty rocks, due to their size and irregular shape, were like a labyrinth of death to the poor little souls. There were fifty or so of the little things lost under the rocks. I can make out their little black eyes and I can see their poor, defenseless little tails wiggling around. I’m afraid to try to remove the rocks, as it may crush the little guys. I decided to turn on the light above them and hope they can wiggle their way to the top.
I announce to the others that the ten on the top are now their leaders. I christen them Yngvie, Sven, Izzy, Skittle, Jane, Cinderella, Archibald, Jasmine, Angela, and Leonardo. I wait for the rest to flock towards their newly christened leaders. I decide to refer to the rest, collectively, as ‘Bob’
odd. Izzy and Leonardo appear to be mating.
Izzy and Leo are still going at it. Apparently they’re not both male, or they adhere to an alternative lifestyle. I’m pretty open-minded, but I’m not entirely comfortable with this.
Jane is looking at me funny.
One of the ‘Bob’ collective has broken free to the surface. He shall now be known as ‘Gabriel’
Two more monkeys have escaped the catacombs. I have named them ‘Ingemar’
and ‘Not-Matt’, (Not after my co-worker, Matt, who defamed my precious
Jane is still looking at me funny. She’s making me nervous.
Izzy and Leo are still at it. Good endurance.
Gabriel keeps following Jasmine around the tank, they’re on the ninth lap now. I don’t think she likes him too much.
Yngvie has been hanging around the left tree for quite some time now. He seems to be prospecting or something. Maybe he’s going to set up a night club or something.
Since I now know that Sea-Monkeys like light, I am placing them on top of a black piece of paper, and am hoping some more of the ‘Bob’ will come to the surface. It’s looking pretty crowded down there. On a positive note, Food probably won’t be much of a problem.
I put in the aerator again, which caused an interesting demonstration of
convection (the force of the bubbler created two separate spirals of water, and the little Monkeys were forced to go along for the ride.) I think they enjoyed it, but Sven looks a bit sick. I think he doesn’t like rides. Interestingly enough, Leo and Izzy are STILL at it. Very impressive.
Yngvie’s back to surveying the tree. I think he’s up to something.
Munchkins! Apparently, one (or several) of the ‘Bob’ collective gave birth. There are little Sea Munchkins all over the place. I haven’t begun naming them yet, as they’re a bit too small to make out clearly with the naked eye.
Inside the catacombs, ‘Bob’ is still apparently happy. There’s a lot of movement going on. Personally, I’d get bored, but I’m not a Sea Monkey. Maybe they just want a little privacy. There are also a lot of ‘Bob’s who aren’t moving at all. They are either dead or they’re thinking REAL hard. I’m going to have to teach one of the leaders, or perhaps Gabriel, to translate for me so I can get messages to them.
Jane’s apparently become tired of looking at me, and is now looking at my phone. Good.
Two more of ‘Bob’ has broken free! One is Beth, the other has been christened ‘Waldo’ (No, he doesn’t have a striped shirt).
The 'Bob' collective is making me nervous. . they keep. . looking at me.
I can't take it any more. I use an eyedropper to remove the 'identified' monkeys, and set the rest free in the pond behind my work. Perhaps 'Bob' will be happier there.
I've decided to try an experiment. I leave my little family in the cup they are in, and fill the little tank with water. I was planning on only adding a few of the eggs in the vial to the container, but I accidentally poured about a third of the vial in there. OOPS!
NOV 2, 1996
The eggs quickly settle to the bottom of the tank, and fill the bottom half-inch or so. I remembered the aeration thing, so I put the bubbler in there. The eggs start to spin around in the tank. I also add some shock treatment and some food.
I wonder how many eggs were in there?
I figure I should stop by work and check to see if the eggs hatched. I bring my daughter (Brianna, 4 years old) with, and go to my cubicle to check out my little fish tank.
AAAIIIEEEEE!!!! MANY MONKEYS! I try to count. . 1. .2. . 3. .zillions! The tank is a thick mass of baby sea monkeys! It looks very scary. I turn off the bubbler. The motion stops. They all start looking at me.
"Can I name them?" my daughter asks. .
"Err. . sure." I replied.
"Okay, they're 'Chelsea'" She replies. I like my daughter. We watch 'Chelsea' for awhile.
This is scarier than 'Bob' was. I take the tank and empty them all in the pond. Perhaps Chelsea and Bob will be friends.
My daughter asks why I'm setting them free.
"They were looking at me!"
"You're weird, Dad"
Went to a THIRD pet store to see if I can rescue some more of the little
We walk by the aquarium section.
"Daddy!, look! They're feeding Sea Monkeys to fish!"
I looked over to see some pet-store person putting Sea Monkeys (from a bag
much like the one at the other pet store, but larger) into a tank with some fish. It's gruesome. I can't look.
"Neat!" My daughter exclaims. I cover her eyes.
As I avert my eyes, I notice they have a 'refrigerator nearby. I look into it and see. .
Lots of bags of Sea Monkeys! Just like the ones in the other store. I buy a small one and we leave the store.
My daughter is having lots of fun with the Monkeys in the car. She's pretty much hypnotized as she watches the little things swim around.
"Is that what those little dots grow up to look like?"
"That's right, dear"
"Eew. . . gross."
"You don't like them?" I asked.
"They're gross, and cute. . but gross."
"Would you like to name them again?"
"Can I give them each names this time?"
"That's what you're supposed to do"
She comes up with about five names, then gets bored and starts singing about some turtle.
Well, I'm back at work. I re-fill the tank with water, and place the new batch in there. This time, learning from the 'catacombs' incident, I use these little tiny pink rock things instead.
They seem quite happy. I re-introduce the old gang to their tank. A couple of fights break out, but nobody appears hurt.
Things are going quite well. Izzy, having finished his relationship with Leo, has collected a whole gang of followers, they're clustering together towards the bottom of the tank.
Jane is looking at me funny again.
Gabriel and Yngvie are swimming in circles where the tree used to be (I'll put it back in later). They seem to be discussing something.
Two large groups have formed from the newbies. I've named them the 'Sharks'
and the 'Jets'
Cinderella is hanging around with a group of four of the new guys. I've named them 'Davy Jones' and the other three guys from the Monkees.
Everyone from the original group is accounted for, except for one. Where's
Jane's still looking at me. I'm considering taking her to the pond to join 'Bob' and 'Chelsea'
Jasmine's started hanging out with Gabriel and Yngvie. Not-Matt tried to join in, but Yngvie crowded him away.
Not-Matt keeps swimming at full speed headfirst into the bottom of the tank. Weird.
My daughter wants to go. "They're just swimming bugs, Daddy!" We'll have to have a talk.
Monday, Nov 4
Odd, there seem to be quite a few more full-grown monkeys than there were on Saturday. I hope none of ‘Bob’ has returned.
I dropped the rock with the ‘trees’ attached to it in the tank. OOPS. Some of the monkeys don’t escape in time.
Two more of the monkeys are hanging out with Gabriel, Yngvie, and Jasmine. I’ve named them Gypsy and Paddington. They’ve now started focusing their efforts
around the tree that appeared in front of them.
One small Monkey, (I’ve named him ‘Chicken Little’) is swimming in little circles around the tank. I can faintly hear him cry ‘The sky is falling’
Many monkeys are clustered around Yngvie’s gang. They’re all standing around looking at each other. . Yngvie is holding something. . is it. . . A-HA! They’ve set up a karoke bar!
I found Waldo. He was standing by the tree, waving. I don’t know how I missed him for so long.
A small clump of Monkeys is hanging out at the bottom of the tank, where the bodies are. They appear to be holding funeral services for the victims of the ‘falling tree’ disaster.
Not-Matt is missing. I think he might have been one of the victims. Oh well, I didn’t like him too much, anyways.
Jane is staring at me again.
The ‘sharks’ have grown in membership. It appears they’re also charging Yngvie ‘Protection’ money. They all have new jackets.
Cinderella has set up a surprisingly popular Hot Dog stand near the highway. I think she’s wearing a thong bikini. It’s hard to tell.
Archibald keeps swimming at full speed into the Sharks. I think he’s become
Tuesday, Nov 5
The Sharks have taken over Yngvie's keroke bar. Yngvie appears to have been
injured during the process and is limping in circles muttering about revenge and such.
The Jets are trying to increase their membership. Cinderella is dating the Jets' leader, and their membership is increasing dramatically. It appears she's also running a small escort service.
Jane's still looking at me, I think she has a crush on me. That's sweet.
My Co-worker, Matt, bumped the tank. A couple of the younger monkeys spilled out (dying a horrible death!), and one of the trees fell. Also, a highway overpass collapsed, trapping several monkeys. Rescue efforts are underway.
There still isn't an exact death toll for 'Earthquake Matt', but rumors are that the count might be in the high 'manys' (Sea Monkeys(tm) aren't terribly good at math).
A white bronco, being chased by several law enforcement officials, drove off damaged overpass and burst into a firey ball of death, crashing to the rubble below. Excavation equipment has arrived to recover the trapped survivors of the collapse, but it doesn't look good.
A group of seedy-looking individuals are meeting with the leader of the Sharks near the collapsed tree. They're all wearing trenchcoats and sunglasses.
Yngvie is alive! I had lost track of him, and suspected he had died during
'Earthquake Matt', but he was the only monkey that survived the collapse. He was rescued by the emergency team. He appears unharmed, but shaken. Upon
meeting with reporters, he declared himself 'Saint Yngvie', and informed everyone that he was the 'chosen one'. I'm worried about him.
CRIME IS RAMPANT!
Gang war has broken out between the Sharks and the Jets. The battle seemed
about even, but the sharks gained the upper hand when a shipment of pointy
sticks arrived from the 'men in black'. Things aren't looking good for the Jets.
Yngvie has gathered a small group of devoted followers, including Leo, Izzy, and Gabriel. He's in the far corner of the tank. It looks like he's building something.
A young monkey has fallen down a well. Efforts are under way to rescue him.
Sources say he can't be seen in the well, but they can hear him crying out.
A bloody glove was found in the wreckage of the crashed Bronco.
The Jets, in desperation, have developed an interesting tactic. Fanatical Jets are having explosives taped to their bodies, and they are attempting to destroy Sharks in suicide missions. Two such fanatics have caused significant damage to Yngvie's former bar. Most of the rest have either detonated harmlessly or have harmed more Jets than Sharks. Apparently these fanatics aren't too bright.
Yngvie is still building something in the corner, he's giggling in a very disturbing manner. I worry about his sanity.
Jane's still looking at me. I wave to her. She blushes.
Wednesday, Nov 6
Jasmine seems to have become close to Yngvie, and she's the only one, aside
from Leo, Izzy, and Gabriel, that's allowed near Yngvie. They seem to have some type of relationship going. Yngvie, meanwhile, seems to have almost finished his creation.
'little Jimmy' has been rescued from the well. He's slightly bruised but otherwise unharmed. Congratulations to his family.
Things just haven't been the same since 'Earthquake Matt'. Crime is a real
problem, and authorities can't seem to get it under control. Looters are breaking windows and stealing everything, including other looters.
Yngvie's followers have become more fanatical. The Sharks and Jets have teamed up in an effort to destroy them. So far, they've been unsuccessful, as the 'Yngvieites' fight with the strength of ten teeny-little-sea-monkey(tm)-things.
Yngvie made a brief public appearance, during which he explained the necessity to 'purge the evil' from the world, and declared that 'we are all evil'. He stated that he has completed his doomsday device, which is capable of destroying every monkey in the tank. I'm getting nervous.
The Sharks and Jets have redoubled their efforts to get at Yngvie, but are having little luck.
The 'men in black' have provided the Sharks with plans for their own doomsday device, which they are working now.
Thursday, Nov 7
NOOOOO!!! THEY'RE GONE! THEY'RE ALL GONE!!
*sniff* I'll try to explain what happened to the best of my recollection.
I knew something was wrong when I arrived. Jane, the moment she saw me, began to swim excitedly in circles and point to the corner. Everyone was clustered around Yngvie's corner, and fighting was everywhere. The bodies of the dead littered the bottom of the tank.
I tried to get somebody's attention, to ask what was going on.
Jasmine turned away from the battle (she was standing by Yngvie's side), and looked like she was going to tell me something. At that moment, a fanatical Shark broke through the lines and stabbed her with a pointed stick!
'JASMINE!!!' Yngvie cried, and ran to her side. Leo killed the murdering shark. The tank was silent.
Yngvie called out to everyone in rage 'DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?'
The life had already left Jasmine's eyes. Yngvie was shaking. Suddenly, his
expression went blank.
'I know what I have to do' he said. And he reached over and pressed a button.
'In a few short moments, we will all be gone. The water has gone 'sour', and it's too late to save any of us. I can only hope that a better world awaits us.' He then held Jasmine's lifeless body close to him, the stick that ended her life still protruding from her chest, and impaled himself. Their bodies fell to the ground, together at the end. *sniff*
Panic followed. But only for a moment.
The last thing I remember was Jane, sadly waving goodbye to me. . then they all were dead.
I've finished burying the bodies.
I put Yngvie and Jasmine in a grave together. They would have wanted it that way.
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